This is the story of the Whiterabbits..

Monday, February 22, 2010

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Best lecture I have ever heard today. My class Theology II is looking like it may be the best class I have ever taken. So real. So applicable. I understand a lot more about my situation now, why I have done the things that I have, and so much more about the spiritual journey. I feel like that lecture should be required to be taught at every Christian University.

Friday, February 05, 2010

"Steph I have some bad news for you"

A girl came up to me and said that after class. In the few seconds before she continued on i thought, "Is she going to tell me we didn't get the condo?", "What now?" "Is Morgan okay?" Something to that effect. Though afterwards I realized how illogical that would be. The sentence she said to me should not be allowed to be said because I would not be in the least bit surprised if we didn't get the condo, or if someone close to me wound up in the hospital. Its just inevitable. Thankfully all she had to tell me was we have been selected to present on Tuesday. Today I learned that many of my problems are similar to that of a person who has had a brain injury and I really think it has to do with my sleeping problem THAT I CANT CONTROL. My anger, impulsiveness, and inability to plan the future. I have always known what I wanted to do but now I have no idea what I want and I am an emotional wreck no matter what time of the month it is. I know it has to do with my sleep because its the only logical conclusion. I know this because I am becomming a psychologist and psychologists study sleep. It would be nice if someone really understood and cared.

[Cause I know there's no life after you]

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

We saw our dream condo 4 days ago...

It started out with us reaching the complex with John our realtor and my friend Steph. It was the same complex of the condo we almost had. Steph said she really liked the complex. Unfortunately we could not actually go inside due to the fact that our realtors key opener thingy wasn't working. But we did peak in two different windows. It is just like our condo we almost had but nicer! Tile floor when you first come in, and nicer cabinets. It is also right across from the laundry room. The only thing that could make this condo perfect is granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances, but it is by far the best option for us so far in this 6 months journey. Its close to my school, nice area, nice complex, 2 bedrooms, 1, 1/2 baths, 2 levels, only sharing one common wall, in our price range, and ready to move into! We find out on Monday if we get it.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My life can best be illistrated by our condo search on Monday

It was raining but we thought we would only need to do minimal walking so it wasn't a big deal. As we walked to the 2nd condo all of the information was wrong on the sheet so it took us a long time to find it. As we walked the puddles got bigger and bigger and our feet were now soaked. When we got to the second complex we went from building to building with people who lived there leading us in the wrong direction. We walked under overhangs where we got rained on harder, and we came to bigger and bigger puddles. Some of them Morgan carried me over and some I tried to jump over only to land right in the middle of the gigantic puddle blocking our way. As time went on we were both so soaked there was no point in being carried over. When we finally found the condo there was no way to get in. After calling the listing agent and getting no answer, all we could do was walk back in the pouring rain. Sometimes during this adventure it seemed not so bad, that it was all worth it to get what we were working for, sometimes it felt miserable, but at the end of the day we were still left with nothing.

This isn't an exaggeration. I planned for my friend Steph to come here during the last week of January because Biola doesn't have class and because it is my birthday and would be fun. I found out in November that the schedule changed and we do have class. Me and Steph were both bummed but the tickets are non-refundable. I tell Steph this but give her my schedule and just last week we planned it all out because surely our my schedule wouldn't change in a weeks time. Yet again it gets changed. Today I found out I didnt get a job I interviewed for that would be perfect for me. Me and the job are a perfect fit and the interview went well so Idk what went wrong. Today I also found out that condo #2 that we put an offer on now has 7 other offers on it. Why work hard when you don't reap any benefits? My hard work has always paid off but now I am left with nothing I can do to make things work.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Nothing to do but look at the past

This week all I have is one class for interterm. Yes Biola calls it Interterm. Bethel called it Interim. Anyway the class requires 3 hours of in class time and 2 hours of homework. I did laundry, cleaned the apt a little and then had nothing to do so I read old blogs. It was really interesting. I miss who I use to be, and I especially miss waking up feeling refreshed. I don't even remember what it feels like to wake up refreshed and ready to go for the day. I really have no more to say on the blog. I have found that no one really cares and it is best not to talk about my problems unless asked and if asked to leave it to a minimum because people really do not care. I do wish that this blog would be what it used to be. Morgan should start posting to make this blog more interesting cuz no one wants to read sad, unhappy stuff.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

We have lived in California for 6 months

So this weekend I looked over the past 6 months that we have lived here. It has been six months of not knowing where we were going to live the next month, it was six months of looking, researching ect. new apartments, it was six months of "bonding" (or as others say, growing attached) to condo's and then getting dissapointed. It was thinking for 2 months that I had a home, planning it all out, and then learning we lost it, It has been six months of looking at furniture for that special time when we actually get a place, it has been six months (actually longer) of not being able to sleep, it has been 2 months of living in a crappy apartment because we have to have a month to month lease in case we get a condo, it has been 6 months of the worst PMDD of my life (stress makes PMDD even worse), it has been 6 months (actually longer) of depression, it has been 6 months of crying on a regular basis, it has been 6 months of living in boxes, suitcases, and a storage locker and thus never knowing where important stuff is when we need it, and it has been 6 months of not being able to workout because I am so exhausted from never sleeping that I get a migraine if I do work out, and thus when I go to workout I have no cardiovascular fitness left and I can't lift anything either. I can't even run a mile. That is depressing. It has been 6 months of whenever I think about running, or see someone run at that I break down and cry. A couple people have asked me If I regreted any of the decisions I have made. The answer is no. How can you regret trying to make your dream come true? Rosemead, California, and a condo were all dreams of mine and that is why I have stuck it out through the pain. The only thing I regret is graduating undergrad in 3 years. It was unneccessary and caused waaaay too much anxiety on me. At the same time if I wouldn't have I wouldn't be in the Rosemead class of 2014, but still I don't think it was the right decision. And so after this weekend of contemplating Morgan and I have set a date: June 1. If we don't have a condo by June 1 we are getting a year lease on an apartment. Yeah it would mean we failed in my eyes and is not the best thing to do financially but at least I can get a nicer, quieter apartment, be able to workout, and be HAPPY. After that we see how things are going, if I still can't sleep (because you never know how loud an apartment will be at night) and am not happy we will consider a life direction change. I will have my masters so I could stop my education (which would be another failure in my eyes) or I could transfer to another school, maybe Wheaton. But this is the best hope I have had in a long time...because now there is an end in sight.

Friday, January 01, 2010

2010

Last year was the worst year of my life. Here is to a better year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Can't fall back asleep and no one is awake

Not even in cyber world. But at the same time I know talking to people won't help. People's answers are so simple. They don't know how it feels or simply do not care. Morgan is the only person I can talk to, but I have to let him sleep. He puts up with enough already. I miss the person I use to be. I use to be so happy. In the summer I said that I knew things could never be worse than they were in the spring. Idk if that is true anymore. This could be tied. I now know how it feels to have nothing. And for once in my life I don't want to push ahead, if anything I want to go back in time. Back to the spring of 2007. I realized in summer of 2007 that that was the best my life could ever be, and would ever be, but little did I know how fast things would spiral down. It was perfect. I got uninterrupted sleep every night. I was training for my first marathon. I was loving how I was looking and feeling. Working almost 40 hours a week in the fuel center where I got to talk to my friends on the phone and watch movies. I was taking classes that were easy yet had just the right amount of work to keep me busy. And of course, there was Morgan. I felt so in control of my life, and now things are so out of control. Yeah I had some rough times before then, mostly with anxiety but not anything like what I have experienced this year. After then the running injuries started, the sleep trouble (which all started with my brother's repeated alarm), the PMDD, and on top of all this trying to graduate in 3 years. I am never going to be that big of an overachiever ever again. But seriously, its not like I had known all that was going to happen, or that I even had PMDD, or that PMDD can really get this bad. Its supposed to continue to get worse until menopause....how it can get worse, i can hardly imagine. I realized just how depressed I was sometime this morning when I realized in the last 9 days I have went through 2 boxes of kleenex and 3 rolls of toilet paper (due to the fact that all of the kleenex is gone). I really don't think many people know how this feels.